Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
