it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
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