I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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