I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
