If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
