I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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