Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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