I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
