im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize