My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
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It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I need a beard to bite.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.