This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...