She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
