im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
