ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she woke up with a sticky ear
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
