Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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