onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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