I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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