just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
All I want is dick and wine.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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