Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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