Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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