I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
