i think my tv is drunk
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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