did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
