And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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