Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
