We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
