the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
