Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
