True but thats because hes a fetus.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
