you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
