my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
