I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
