I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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