i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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