There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
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