you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
