I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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