just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
