Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
