Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
