It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Barsexuality is the new black.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
