Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
I used to kick so much ass
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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i came on her dog
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
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I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!