I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
