The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
