it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
