upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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