im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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