I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
