I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
