When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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