she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
