Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
