ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
