She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize