i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.