Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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