but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?