I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.