You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
