There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
