Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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